This made me laugh

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Havit, Sep 23, 2015.

  1. andypandy

    andypandy Crème de la Crème

    Jan 10, 2016
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    EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
    1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
    2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
    3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
    4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
    5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
     
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  2. andypandy

    andypandy Crème de la Crème

    Jan 10, 2016
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    I got thrown out of our local RSPCA meeting the other week, we went in to a small room and all I said was, "there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."
     
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  3. thebiglad

    thebiglad Old fart, still riding !

    Sep 25, 2013
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    You're on a roll Andy, you're on a roll !!!:):):D
     
  4. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    Littleade is working hard on Schindlers list for this year's Grand meet.
    Screenshot_2017-02-04-08-50-05.png
     
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  5. Sprinter

    Sprinter Kinigit

    Aug 17, 2014
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    FACT: If Bees earn minimum wage a jar of honey would cost £150,000.00.
     
  6. Dougie D

    Dougie D Crème de la Crème

    Jan 30, 2016
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    that should have been put in the good to know thread!
     
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  7. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Theres got to bee a sting in the tail :oops::p:D:D
     
  8. MrOrange

    MrOrange Guest

    [​IMG]
    Here's your coat, Wayne !!!:D
     
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  9. andypandy

    andypandy Crème de la Crème

    Jan 10, 2016
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    BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR 2017

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
    anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
    by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
     
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  10. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    I can join the gestapo wearing that, :eek:
     
  11. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    image.jpeg
     
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  12. Winglad

    Winglad Crème de la Crème

    Dec 21, 2016
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    Sometimes humour simply fails us...
    I worked at the 'Lourdes Dept. Airport Frankfurt' for a while: incoming passengers would be requesting assisted transfer to the flight-gate due to immobility.
    They expected to be transferred on one of these e-golf-carts and when I arrived with a wheelchair...
    ...KAPOUW...
    ...they suddenly could walk again!
    Not too many people have jobs, working miracles, eh? :D
     
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  13. Winglad

    Winglad Crème de la Crème

    Dec 21, 2016
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    No prob! As long as I do not forget to bring my halo... :confused:
     
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  14. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    Thats what you get when riding a B*W:p:D
     
  15. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    image.jpeg
     
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  16. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    image.jpeg
     
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  17. Winglad

    Winglad Crème de la Crème

    Dec 21, 2016
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    • Like Like x 2
  18. steve lovatt

    steve lovatt Something else

    May 12, 2014
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    ve.jpg
     
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  19. Sprinter

    Sprinter Kinigit

    Aug 17, 2014
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