This made me laugh

How does a Shetland crofter practice safe sex?
Paint a red cross on all the sheep that kick!

 

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out:
"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

 

I know I take it as a joke. Even if you called me a Jock I would take it that way.
It's sad that it is increasing.
But here I know it's a joke, just as I call littleade Baron Von clump and other bits
Or we refer to his tw@t suit
As to Ireland I hope we give them a drubbing

 

I reckon this lettuce shortage is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

You got a cob on. Lol

 

You may be unfamiliar with the above, it is a fine Scottish comedy Show which is far too intellectual for the likes of southerners. But I am sure you understand the sentiment

 

Don't worry, won't spend the next 51 years going on about winning something!!!

 

Ireland were unlucky the number of times we fumbled the ball. At least Ireland were making mistakes too

 

I created a thread just for this discussion it could go on for a bit

 

This is a true story.
My mate Dave is 63 now, he grew up in a village somewhere on Angelsey near the RAF base which was also used by the Americans at that time. When he went to school, so age about 5 and up, one of the other kids was what we called half caste. When the white kids asked the coloured kid why he had darker skin, he said it was because when he was a baby his mum had left him out in the sun too long. It was quite a few years before all the kids worked out that one of the local ladies had an affair with an American airman.

 

My next door neighbour married a black fella, she had a wee half-mixed-inter-race kid. Her grandmother asked her "why does your child have such curly hair?"
"that's cos in the jungle, to keep the babies safe from all the lions, they hang the children up in the trees by their hair, so curly ones are safer! "
The old lady just said, " oh that's a good idea.!!! "

 

Shamelessly knicked off the inter web Netty thing
THE MEMORIAL STONE
Billy died. His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce. "Thirty thousand dollars."
"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats”.