This made me laugh

Lovely sunset

 

Yes, but it wasn't of me

Oldfart

 

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EXAMPLES FROM BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS' REPORTS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12 When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

 

Politics Explained

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you’ll get a kick out of this! A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister… Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’ So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent’ room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny… He gives up and goes back to bed.


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’ The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

 

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Why don't blind men sky dive?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

 

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".

He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".


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Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean 200 quid?!"

 

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A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car suddenly broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
The service man opened the hood and after a while the looked up and said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The man replied, "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

 

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

 

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "Fuck me".
What happened next will haunt me forever

 

The little zoo was very proud of it's pair of Gnus. They were named George and Mildred. Some months after acquiring them it became increasingly obvious that a happy event was to take place and sure enough onefine morning the keeper of the ungulates came in to find a little Gnu at Mildred's feet - or should that be hooves? The calf was named Robin. All was well until one day the keeper noticed that George was off his fodder. Despite their best efforts and those of the vet George turned up his hooves and died. Still, at least they still had Mildred and Robin. The little family thrived but, Mildred began to look a little listless, a little dull in the eyes. Once again the vet was summoned, once again the staff watched, agonizingly as Mildred eventually succumbed to a mysterious desease and she too curled up her hooves and became lion grub. The ungulate collection now relied incresingly on hitherto lively little Robin. who had developed a dry bronchial cough. Sure enough, as if the fates themselves had taken against the little zoo and it's dedicated staff little Robin passed on and went the way of his parents. Aaaaaah!
Well that's the end of the Gnus, here's the weather..............

 

The blind parachutist knows when he is about to land though.

The dog-lead goes slack!

 

Well, I guess I will eat some of those foods as evidenced by the fast that I've eaten a dozen apple fritters (ok, maybe more...) in the past three weeks. I say, "An apple fritter a day keeps the doctor away!"