This made me laugh

Fits into the soundtrack thread as well but it did make me laugh!

 

Another one from the film,thought he was a great actor

 

My Missus has been missing for a week now... Police have told me to prepare for the worst.... So i've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

"Piss flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags!"

 

"All I ever seem to do is cook," yelled my girlfriend.
"That's not on," I replied.
"I'm entitled to an opinion," she snarled.
"I was talking about the oven," I said.

 

Ha, I was just gonna post the same.

 

A man is stranded on a desert island, ten years all alone. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks, "Hmm, it's not a ship." The speck gets closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "My, oh my! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a proper drink?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask of whisky and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "Blimey! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

 

the new Aberdeen bypass