This made me laugh

Keep it up Wayne....

PS ya boss says do some work now please

 

I'll second that !

 

One of my favorites!

 

Air traffic control center, El Paso. A training flight from Las Cruces with a Columbian student on one of his first solo flights is about to leave their airspace...
"November 52806, this is El Paso departure. You are about to leave our sector. Squak 1200, keep in visual meteorological conditions at all times; resume own navigation."
Pause....
"November 52806, do you copy? This is..." (repeats his former message)
Another pause. Then:
"El Paso departure? This is November 52806!?"
"Go ahead N-52806"
Voice slightly panicky: "I am sorry. I can not find Resume on the map..."

 

One of my favourites when I was doing TEFL to stress the importance of long and short vowels. I used it on Italian and Spanish speaking students but I'm sure there's more with problems in that department.

An Italian student arrives in Britain for his English course, arrives at the hotel, all hunky-dory. Up he goes to his room. All nice apart from that there is no sheet on the bed. Over to the phone he goes, calls reception and says: (imagine the Italian accent with this one please) "Hey, I want a shit!"

Receptions aghast: "I beg your pardon, Sir!"

Guest: "I wanna shit now, I wanna shit on my bed. Don't you have shits on your beds in this country?"

Finally they get it sorted. Next morning he goes down for breakfast. Slightly apprehensive about the (in)famous English cuisine he sits down and notices that he hasn't got a fork. He calls the waitress and goes: "Hey, I need a fuck!"

On it goes...

 

Reminds me of this guy...

 

Is this a picture from last years GMU2016 hehehe

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?



KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:


To get to the other side.

PLATO:

For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:

It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:

Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:

Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:

The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

DARWIN:

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA:

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:

The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER:

It was an instinctive maneuver. The chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.

BILL CLINTON:

The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?