This made me laugh

Man crushes his own Landcruiser with dumptruck

 

After 15 seconds of training, i used to drive a 150,000 lb haul truck, only tipped it over once. Every summer they would beg me to come back for another summer.

 

@dilligaf

 

Double WOW

 

So that’s how it’s made! Pretty women pissing in a bottle!

oh, I’m going to get flamed now...

 

Three labrador retrievers are at the vet. A yellow lab, a chocolate lab, and a black lab. The black lab turns to the other dogs and asks, "What are you guys in here for?"

The yellow lab looks up and says, "I'm here because I'm what they call a pisser. I piss on everything. They tolerated it but then I peed on master's bed. Now they're going to put me to sleep."

The chocolate lab shakes his head and says sadly, "I'm what they call a shitter. I shit on everything. They tolerated it as well until I pooped in master's shoe. They're going to put me down."

The yellow lab turns to the black lab, "What about you? What are you in for?"

The black lab responds, "I'm what they call a humper. I would hump anything that I came into contact with, but then one day my master's wife was getting out of the shower and she dropped her towel and bent over to get it and I couldn't help myself."

The other two labs gasped and asked, "Are they going to put you down too?"

"Nope," replied the black lab, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

Lynchburg lemonade, crafted by tough and ruthless Tennessee women, woops I meant rough and toothless.

 

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

Just seen this news article in an Apple News App, written by The Business News’ Apprentice Pre-school Journalist (by the looks of the terrible writing style).

According to them, Prince William has had gender re-alignment! Also Prince Charles is younger than Andrew in one paragraph and older in the second. Surely this freak of nature and physics is due to a malfunctioning time machine...




Edit: whatever fuckwit wrote that article clearly researched Wikipedia and couldn’t even plagiarise without messing it up. They probably had previously failed basic English lessons at school but that is no obstacle to getting a job in the press these days. The interviews must go:

Employer: “Got a brain?”
Applicant: “No”
Employer: “Not needed in this job, highly overrated”
Applicant: “I’m also politically biased and hate people that are XYZ” (insert bigotry of choice).
Employer: “You’ve got the Job”

I’m stunned... I doubt I’ll bother reading any other articles from the Business News.

Edit 2: Channel 4 News? Seems like it’s run by a clique or Left Wing Mafia. Shocking they still have a job... Jon Snow is even more bonkers than Corbyn. Wow - that’s and achievement... whenever I’ve watched CH4 News, it has been totally biased and not equally nasty to all politicians like they should be.

Plonkers...

 

Keep them coming guys.

A good mate of mine is undergoing chemotherapy and today is the day he receives his next bout of Novichok, as he puts it.

Anything to take his mind of his predicament even for a nano second...

Oldfart