This made me laugh

A guy walks into his local pub that has a Christmas nativity on out back there’s the stable with baby Jesus and all the animals but the donkey was sad and crying. The bar keeper put up a sign asking if anyone could make it happy he would give them free drinks for the night. Well the man said to the bar keeper, “ I can do that!! “Ok said the bar keeper,” so he went out back and whispered into the donkeys ear. Well the donkey almost wet it’s self and could not stop laughing. The bar keeper was impressed and gave him his free drinks. 1 week later the man walks back into the pub and the donkey was still laughing out loud, the bar keeper then said “ this is ridiculous he won’t stop what did you say???” “That’s a secret” he replied. “ well if you can make him stop because I’ve had enough of it I’ll give you another free drink!!” The man reply’s “ not for a drink!! Make it free drinks for the night.” “Ok” said the keeper. So the walks out back and comes back and what do you know the donkey was sad and crying again. “What did you say “ asked the keeper. “That’s a secret “ reply’s the man “Well I’ll give you free food and drink for a week if you tell me you’re secret “ “We’ll ok 1st time I told him that my penis was bigger than his 2nd time I proved it!!!

 

Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ ..What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section..........A neighbourhood in Rome .
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................. A sheep dog.
Coma............................ A punctuation mark.
Dilate............................ To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................... A small lie.
Impotent...................... Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................. I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
Tablet............................ A small table.
Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour......................... One plus one more.
Urine............................ Opposite of you're out.
2xCondoms....................To be sure, to be sure

 

Man is a woman's best friend. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.





No wait...... Sorry...... I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that.

Sorry.

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started..

 

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him:

“God, how long is a million years to you?”
God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”

Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”

Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”

And God said, "In a minute.”

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shiit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

 

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed......

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English ……….

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

 

Little Johnny is sitting in the classroom when the teacher, Miss White says:
- "Today we're going to have a look at multi-syllable words. Is there anyone who can give us an example?"

Little Johnny is waving his hand in the air right away:
- "Me, me, Miss White, me!!"

Miss White a bit weary:
- "Okay, Little Johnny, what word might that be?"

Little Johnny:
- "Mas-tur-bate"

Miss White with a little red in her cheeks:
- "Well Johnny.. That's quite a mouthful."

Little Johnny:
- "No, that's where you're wrong. You're thinking of the words "bl0w-j0b" or maybe "Cun-ni-ling-us"

Miss White fainted

 

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her.

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face

As she swam off she said ..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

 

LOL... Its pitch black, and icy outside.

Just passing time....

Yeah... Bored.

 

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of Frozen crabs and asked a blond, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.


He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them:

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blonde's aren't as dumb as most men think.

 

For some reason I immediately started hearing the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield in my head as I read these. Made them even funnier. He was a class act.

 

Aghh those were the days, now its Socks, Hugs & Sausage Roll