This made me laugh

Haven’t used the dishwasher, but I have used the oven to bake in some high-temp paint

 

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How to get to heaven in Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOOCKN' DEAD..........'

 

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Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Clinton"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... An he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fucks that on the balcony with Colin"...?

 

Diane Abbott was “practising her maths skills and counting sheep” during the crunch Commons session on the Brexit deal.

 

The Triumph Rocket III manufacturing process

 

how have I not seen that before

 

Cos you haven’t followed this forum closely enough!

 

That thumb would keep any girl happy, unless that really is a peach!