This made me laugh

A Scottish priest is driving home when he come across a dead pig lying on the road. So he calls the police to inform them.

A cocky sergeant answers the call. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.

"Naw." replies the priest "I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

 

But at least u don’t get smelly fingers.

 

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Young priest stands in for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out!!..

 

Labour have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election. The Conservatives now regard Liverpool as a safe seat.

 

Oops.

 

The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.She too beckoned to me saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.I was so outraged, I said, "Who the fuck are you?"He replied, "I'm Cess

 

In case of a breakdown.