This made me laugh

The humour is too highbrow for some...

I quite liked EEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE, and Dan Jones was a left field name...

 

I’m guessing it’s a joke that the top universities provide scholarships to talented sports people to boost the varsity position - regardless of their academic prowess - or lack thereof...

Not as funny now...



PS: one was portrayed as an inmate at a state penitentiary.

 

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Looking to book a holiday. Anyone know where this beach is?

 

Blackpool?

Or if you are out to discover the other end of the 'pretty' gene pool then Newport (Hemsby) in Norfolk has many Neanderthals...

 

Three women were on death row - a blonde, a brunette and a ginger.

The guard calls the brunette forward and shouts to the executioner with the gun "Ready, take aim" when the brunette shouts out "HURRICANE!" The guard and executioner look out of the window, see there's no hurricane but then notice the brunette has escaped.

The guard calls the ginger forward and shouts to the executioner with the gun "Ready, take aim" when the brunette shouts out "AVALANCHE!" The guard and executioner look out of the window, see there's no avalanche but then notice the ginger has escaped.

The guard calls the blonde forward and shouts to the executioner with the gun "Ready, take aim" when the blonde shouts out "FIRE!"

 

I got taken out trainspotting when I was younger. I found it very easy, given their size they’re pretty hard to miss

 

The buttons on my jumper wouldn't undo so I tried getting it off over my head but it got stuck badly.

I'm now in A&E waiting to see a Cardyologist.

 

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

 

The au pair asks for a pay rise.


Why?


I have three reasons.


Go on......


Well, I clean the house much better than you do....


Who says that?


Your husband....


Next?


I cook much better than you do....


Who says that?


Your husband....


And the third?


I'm much better in bed than you.


I suppose my husband told you that?


No, the gardener did!



So, let's discuss your pay rise.

 

How many pedants do you need to change a lightbulb?

The correct definition is "replace"

 

A biology teacher is discussing yesterday's homework with his class, and asked Susan, "Which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times its normal size when stimulated"?

Susan blushed, fidgeting at her desk, and replied, "Sorry teacher, I'd rather not answer that".

Turning to the rest of the class, the teacher asked again, and John replied, "The pupil of the eye".

After confirming that was the correct answer, the teacher turns back to Susan to make three points;

You appear not to have done your homework.

You have a dirty mind.

You will be sadly disappointed in your future life!

 

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Had a similar one from an apprentice when I used to work on cranes.
Pointing up to the crane he said “What does Swilton mean?”

“No mate, that’s Safe Working Load 1 Ton”