This made me laugh

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

/

 

What a firkin idiot ! why hasn't he checked to see if there's any fuel in it ??

 

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don't know Jack shit!

Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O. Shit the owner of Knee Deep in Shit Ltd. In turn Jack shit married Noe shit. The deeply religious couple had six children : Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, college. After 15 years , Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and She married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock . Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loda Shit and had a rather nervous deposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shit. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack shit!

 

BIRTHDAY.

Tucker

 

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER RECEIVED BY THE IRISH PASSPORT OFFICE-----HILARIOUS!


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and I am losing the will to live. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a fucking satellite dish from them back in 1995, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was fucking born and on what date.

For fuck sake, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my PPS card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight fucking passports I've had, before being allowed off the plane over the last 50 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, because I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this shit! You send back the application form to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What the fuck is going on?
Do you have a bunch of neanderthal arseholes working there? Look at my fucking picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go and park my arse on some nice sandy beach somewhere and would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

Well, I have to sign off now, because I have to go to the other end of the fucking country to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of €30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too fucking easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why?
We couldn't smile if we wanted to
Because we're totally hacked off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive work all over the world, and here in Ireland
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !
Gobshites !!

 

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..

 

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now & she's picked up a few tricks...I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her magician assistants little sexy outfit. She said, "Abracadabra!" and me mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark bollock naked.... poor old Dave must've wondered what the fuck was going on.

 

Absolutely hysterical

 

,