This made me laugh

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there is a thread for wierd stuff like this but i cant find it,so i'll stick it in here

 

Paddy's wife is getting sick of him returning from the pub every night with sick all down his shirt. She threatens him 'if it happens again, you're out'. So the next night Paddy's in the pub with his friend Mick and says 'I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to have a kebab after all that beer and then I just throw up.' Mick says 'try the old £10 note trick. When you get in with sick on your shirt, tell her it was a complete stranger threw up over you and he's given you a tenner to compensate. Works with my wife everytime.'
So Paddy leaves the pub, has a kebab, the inevitable happens and his wife confronts him: 'right, on your bike'. 'Now, hold your horses' says Paddy 'I've not been sick at all, it was a geezer in the pub and he gave me this tenner'. 'That's not a tenner' says his wife 'that's a twenty pound note.'
'Oh, yes' says Paddy 'the other ten pounds was for s*itting in my pants.'

 

I was in the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book. She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone.

The spider is now dead, phone broken and one girl in tears

 

You know how some taxi drivers like to talk well i caught a passing taxi and the cabbie was one of the talkers. He began with “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian” so had to ask "Who?”


“Brian O'Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian O'Sullivan, every single time.”


"Really," I said “every time, no way.”


"Yes, he said "Brian O'Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a show star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”


“Sounds like he really was someone special.”

“There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which set of cutlery to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian O'Sullivan, he could do everything right.”


“Gosh.”


Cabbie then rambled on that “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian O'Sullivan.”


“Amazing. How did you meet him?”

“Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m the poor devil married to his widow.

 

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

 

Visitors to Spain are amazed at the skill of the tattoo artists there.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

 

Same here, just get header and footer.

 

It’s a glitch in the Matrix...

 

De ja vu......

 

If a member is deleted, where do their posts go?

 

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I could use a little boredom here in the U.S.

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I order a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

We’re through with Theresa May - we could send you her, should you wish some boredom. I suspect after a week you will be wanting Daffy Duck back...

 

That's quackers.