This made me laugh

What is green and brown, has 8 legs, and if it fell on you from a tree would kill you.




A snooker table.

 

View attachment 65145

 

Have you farted?

 

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Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday. lmfao

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.

The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word....... Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and makes love to her in front of everyone. And no one says a word..... Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder relations. Yet no one says a word..... By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.

His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says

"Never mind! I'll do the dishes!"

 

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His hand is huge.

 

Just one.

 

Not wanting to spoil a joke but don’t they lower body temp. Put you an a bypass machine and stop the heart?

 

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A teacher gave her class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and took it in turns to stand up and tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.
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Next Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,

but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story,

don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?"
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"Yes, miss, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a Chinook loadmaster in Desert Storm and her aircraft got hit. She had to run from the crash site into the desert: all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. Having no water, she drank the whisky then walked accidentally into the middle of a camp of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking."

 

Yes, schools, councils and hospitals are broke, people rely on foodbanks, police are none existant, ambos are snowed under more people are dying in house fires, but come the general election you'll all vote the bastards back in