This made me laugh

I asked the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gave me one.

 

My favourite really really bad joke.

Patient: "Doctor ! doctor ! I can't feel my legs"

Doctor: "Well of course you can't feel your legs, i've
amputated both your arms".

 

.

 

Feck the law.

 

Hey, I agree, Cyborgbot! I recently heard a new term for the parents who create some of these "issues" that today's kids have. "Bulldozer Parents". It means that they move every obstacle out of their kids' way so the kids never have to try hard, fail, figure out how to problem-solve. You get the picture. It's "Helicopter Parenting" on steroids. Like I said in a previous post, keeps me in a job. Sigh.

 

FECKIN BRILLIANT

 

Abso-feckin-lutely.

It's only cos I'm jealous

 

The fireworks in your arse thing... which bright spark thought of that?

4th July... I met my wife to be and asked her out 33 years ago today (true story)... but calling it Independence Day is taking the piss a bit!

 

Totally understand. Personally I blame the media. The world has no more muppets than when we were kids but they scare patents into being overprotective and stifling. Although the muppets do have new ways to operate and be more effective at grooming.

The result is bulldozer parents. Compounded by society that insists everyone is a victim and encouraging people to find fault in themselves rather than be stoic and crack on. Everyone has a shit day it doesn’t mean ur depressed. Life’s a bitch and then you die - enjoy the bits in between.

 

What can you say? Guy had a lotta balls!

 

I come from a family of police marksmen - I think that was a reaction against my grandfather, who was a bank robber. He died quite recently, surrounded by his family.

 

I saw a clairvoyant laughing the other day, so I hit her.

I always like to strike a happy medium.

 

What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?

Yukanol Fukov.

 

Saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?"

"Not really," he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard...."

 

What`s the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magic wand?
One does cunning stunts and the other is for hitting people over the head.

 

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast . He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says:

"Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says:-

"I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says:-

"Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that … So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says:-

"If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again".