This made me laugh

.

 

Steamy train...

 

Or wielding an offensive weapon...

 

.

 

A guy buys a talking Centipede for 5 thousand quid.. and takes it home in a small box...




After 30 mins he opens the box and looks in and says "Would you like to go for a pint..."?

The Centipede doesn't answer..


The guy asks again..

Still the centipede doesn't answer

The guy is starting to get angry and suspects that he's been ripped off..

He shouts the question again very loudly..



At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and shouts back..


"I heard you the first time.. I'm putting my fkn shoes on.....

 

A man was riding his Motorbike along the M6 in England.., when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to the USA so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic, and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Tucker

 

.

 

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch another beer
Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it?

 

.

 

WTF

 

Could have been written by Kevin Bloody Wilson

 

.

 

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 quid, I really need 20 quid.”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?” the doctor asked.
“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Man, I really need 10 quid, just lend me 10 quid!!”
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 quid. Lend me 5 quid please if you will.”
“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

“I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”