This made me laugh

Guy gets stoatered at the bar & come closing time he steps off his bar stool & falls to the floor, tries about 5 times to get up without success & finally crawls out the door on all fours.
Tries to stand up once he;s outside & got some fresh air but falls to the ground several times & then crawls home on all fours.
gets to the front door, pulls himself upright, opens the door & promptly falls face first into the hallway & crawls upstairs on his hands & knees
Pulls himself up again when he gets to the bed but falls flat again into the bed.
Next morning his wife wakes him up & says "you were out getting drunk again last night weren't you??"
he looks at her thru red eyes & says "what makes ya think that honey?"
She replies: The pub just called & said ya left ya wheelchair there again.

 

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of
woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention thanyours

 

Curry Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
> > > =================================================
> > >
> > > Naan, just killed a man
> > > Poppadom against his head
> > > Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead
> > > Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
> > > But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away
> > > Naan, ohhhh ohhhhhh
> > > Didn't mean to make you cry
> > > Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow
> > > Curry On, Curry On
> > > Cause Nothing Really Madras
> > >
> > > Too Late, My Dinner's Gone
> > > Sends Shivers Down my Spine
> > > Rectum Aching All the Time
> > > Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
> > > Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo
> > > Naan, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
> > > The Doopiaza is so Mild
> > > I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All
> > >
> > > Guitar Solo
> > >
> > > I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
> > > Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the Chutney Made of Mango
> > > Vindaloo Does Nicely
> > > Very Very Spicy, Meat
> > > Byriani (Byriani)
> > > Byriani (Byriani)
> > > Byriani and a Naan
> > > (A Vindaloo loo loo loo)
> > >
> > > I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
> > > He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lavatory
> > > Stand you Well Back
> > > Cause the Loo is Quarantined...
> > >
> > > Here it Comes, There it Goes
> > > Technicolor Yawn
> > > I Chunder
> > > NO!
> > > It's Coming up Again, (There he Goes)
> > > I Chunder Its Coming back Again, (There he Goes)
> > > Coming Back Again (Up Again)
> > > Here it Goes Again, (No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
> > > On my Knees I'm on my Knees
> > > On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
> > > This Vindaloo
> > > It's About to Wreck my Guts
> > > Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....
> > >
> > > Guitar Solo
> > >
> > > So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright?
> > > So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
> > > Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
> > > Just had to Come out
> > > It Just had to Come Right out in Here

 

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Ooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,"she answers.

There is a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like 18 year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhhhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse on the ground panting. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and starts to wonder about his own aging parents and whether they have sex like this.

After about 1/2 hour of lying on the ground recovering, they struggle to their feet and get dressed. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about 40 minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there is no secret," the old man says, "except that 50 years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

 

Patient "Doctor. doctor, I've been suffering from some strange flatulence"

Doctor "What do you mean 'strange'
Patient Well each time I fart it makes a sound like 'Honda'

Doctor "Slip your pants off and lets have a look......Oh yes....I see.....you have an abscess."

Patient "Why would this cause this weird farting?" Doctor "Everyone knows ' Abscess makes the fart go Honda!!!!! '

 

This guy goes to a restaurant and while dining notices a spoon in the waiters shirt pocket. He asks about it and the waiter tells him the owner of the place is into fast service and did research to find out what utensil is dropped most frequently by the customers and found out it was a spoon. So all the waiters carry a spoon to save them a trip to the kitchen when a customer drops one. A while later he notices a piece of string hanging from front of the waiters trousers. He asks about it and the waiter tells him the owner had decided it takes too much time to wash hands so they have to lift their johnson out of their pants with the string when they go for a piss so they won't soil their hands. The guy gets to wondering about this and the next time the waiter goes by he says I understand how you can get your dick out of your pants but how do you get it back in? I don't know about the rest of the guys but I use the spoon.

 

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Are you sure, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges £1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her twenty £50 notes . The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still £1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man, "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Scotland."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's solicitor. She asked me to give this £3,000 to you."

 

A guy is walking along the Strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks,
"How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars? For a hand job?? Holy Moley! No
hand job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Cafe on the
corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Cafe about a
block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that ...
do you see that third Cafe" "Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own
those. And I own them because I give a hand
job that's worth $500."
The guy says, "What the hell...Ya only live once.
I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A
short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he just experienced the hand job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500.
He is totally amazed. He says, "I suppose a blow job is
$1000?" The hooker looks him in the eye and purrs,
"$1500." "$1500!? My God! No blow job could be worth that!
A politician wouldn't pay that much for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big fella.
Do you see that casino across the street? I own that
casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's
worth every cent of $1500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand
job, decides to put off a new car for another year.
He lays back, puts his hands behind his
head, and says, "OK, let's go." Ten minutes later
he's sitting on the bed his head spinning. He can scarcely believe the
sensation he just had. He decides that he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to go all the way and dip into his retirement savings for
one more glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window.
I want to show you something.
Do you see the whole city of Las Vegas laid out before us
all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and
showplaces?"
The guy says in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"
The hooker replies...
"No, but I would if I had a pussy."

 

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

 

In the year 2016, the lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England & said ' Noah once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans' he gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying 'you have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights'


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark 'NOAH!' he roared 'Im about to start the rain! Where is the ARK?'


'Forgive me lord' begged Noah ' but things have changed, I needed building regulations approval and I've been arguing with the fire brigade about the need for a sprinkler system, my neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission, even though in my view it is a temporary structure, we then had to appeal to the secretary of State for a decision.


Then the department for transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea, even though I told them the sea would be comming to us, they would hear nothin of it.


Getting the wood was another problem, all the decent trees have preservation orders on them and we live in a site of special scientific interest, set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the enviromentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go.


When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accomodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.


Then the county council, the environment agency and the rivers authority ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the equal opportunities commissionon how many disabled Carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team, the trade unions say I can't use my sons, they insist that I have to employ accredited workers with ark building experience.


To make matters worse, Hatwel Services have siezed all my assetts on behalf of Customs and excise claiming I am trying to leave the country, illegally with endangered species.


So please, forgive me, lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark'


Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow streatched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked 'You mean your not going to destroy the world?'

'NO' said the lord, The British Government beat me to it!'