This made me laugh

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The posh jeweller was attempting to sell the most expensive diamond engagement ring to a young couple and out of the corner of his eye he spotted a skanky old tramp in the corner of the shop with his hand down the back of his trousers, scratching at his arris, occasionally pulling his hand out to sniff and inspect his fingers.

The salesman heads over... "Oi! You can't do that in here!"

The tramp smiles and says "The sign in the window says I can. The one that reads 'Come in and pick your ring in comfort'!"

 

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:-

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

Think she's been out for chestnuts

 

It sure is.

 

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Sensible parenting.

 

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I’ve bleedin done that, not on a police car thankfully.

 

I can't think what use this skill might be.

 

Stealing sausages lol

 

I told my missus she had drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She seemed surprised.

 

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