This made me laugh

Well that's so old it's got whiskers

 

Heard this on the in-store radio whilst standing waiting to pay for some go juice at our local garage.

"What do you call a Welshman who drifts off the subject when telling a story?"​

"Dai Gression"​

I know, IT SUCKS BIG STYLE!!!!, but it appealed to my sense of humour

 

I bought my wife some lingerie in a size 20.
She said "Are you taking the fucking piss with the size?"
I said "No,
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it's meant to be tight!!

 

Was in one of those souvenir type shops the other day that sold signs that were supposed to be funny and one caught my eye. It read something like - Treat all stressful situations like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

 

Well this is serious really but it made me laugh. I was on my way home yesterday going north on the M6 in my car. I was on the inside lane when the traffic slowed down to about 20mph and everybody in front started indicating right. Soon the culprit appeared, a Hyundai coupe type car limping along with hazard lights on. Flat tyre, whiffs of smoke coming off the rubber, tyre wobbling about all over. Just as I was about to overtake, the tyre and wheel parted company. The car rattled on for a few yards then stopped as it just made the slip road to the Sandbach services. I indicated right and overtook the tyre which showed no intention of pulling over.

 

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan ....... Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

 

Paddy is painting his lounge,his wife walks in and can't believe how well he's doing,but the sweat is dripping off him.
She says "Why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka!?"
Paddy says "HELLOOOO! read the fekin tin,it says for best results put two coats on!!

 

Just been watching the women's Olympic beach volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury.

Don't worry though I should be ok if I rest it.