This made me laugh

Cheeky monkey !!!

 

Right, you asked for it..........................

 

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your frickin’ will power."~~~~
Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.~~~~
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually.'~~~~
I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."~~~~
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"~~~~
I have a new pickup line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"~~~~
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.~~~~
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.

 

BRILLIANT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that
there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Sue..........Sue" "Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"
No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas ."

 

Excellent Mark, it had me all the way !!!!

 

Not bad Wayne, not bad at all !

 

The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.




It doesn't have any feet or legs.




The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.




'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.




'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.




'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.




You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.




'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.




I'm especially good at ornithology.




You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.




'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.




You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.




The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.




The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.




'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.




'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.




Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

 

Probably the worlds last aswell

 

Gives Bike Safe a whole new meaning. Can't see local police riding these