This made me laugh

It was the Geography teacher who was the board rubber king at my time at school. He'd be at the blackboard doing something with his back to the class while a pupil was mucking about, turn round like a coiled spring and 'take them out' like a sniper.

 

The demise of chalk! RIP blackboard rubber! Am I allowed to say that?

 

YES !!

 

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens! Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

 

Happy days. I dimly remember ballistic board dusters hitting the back wall of the class room. I also remember ballistic cricket balls hurtling towards anyone who had their hands in their pockets during sports periods, and the bar steward who launched said homing missile played for a local cricket team and had a 99% strike rate too.

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

Is that chapter 1?

 

Gentlemen and Ladies of this most esteemed forum I crave your indulgence and forgiveness.

I will soon be straying from the light and righteous path of Triumph as I am soon to be the extremely proud owner of a 1960's Norton Dominator.

As an act of penance and as a way to dig myself out of the brown smelly stuff I will of course post the details and photos on the appropriate forum page for some or all to drool uncontrollable over.

Please be gentle as this was a too good to miss, one off chance to own a REAL motorcycle and I am but a mere weak willed mortal. Mrs Al has agreed to the above as a way of keeping me where she can find me, e.g. in the garage. I might even have to change my name to Wesley Peggdon, (for those who remember Last of the Summer Wine)

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

 

The Farmers Son.......................
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note:
"You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell..