This made me laugh

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How dare you give away my mother in laws location

 

Sorry. You did mean the one with handles ?.

 

See !, you can get pregnant from Anal Sex.

 

Hell, I can't even remember the taste of Black Pudding, preferably with egg, sausage, bacon, tomato, all on two toasted pieces of thick white bread.
Heart attack in a sandwich, Truly, food fit for the Gods.

 

Thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid the dogs at Custom and Excises would have a field day.

 

Quasimodo is in the kitchen when his mother walks in carrying a wok.
The hunchback grunts, "Great, I love Chinese food."
His mother says, "Chinese food? No, son. I'm using this thing to iron your shirts!"

 

I was sat on the sofa next to my wife last night when my hands started to roam and she began to giggle. After a few minutes she said, "That felt really nice, why did you stop?" I replied, "Because I found the remote control!"

 

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Quasimodo goes into a bar, sits on a barstool and asks for a whisky, "Bell's OK" replies the barman, to which Quasimodo says "mind your own feckin business"