This made me laugh

I was driving home when my satnav said "Turn off in 200 yards" Sure enough, my wife was stood there.

 

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

 

There are 104 different languages spoken in London at the present time. The government are hoping to make it 105 with the introduction of English next year.

 

There is this bloke who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his dick will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you." The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his dick is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: How many fucking times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

 

What do we want ?
A cure for attention-deficit disorder !
When do we want it ?
Ooh ! Look ! A seagull !

 

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

 

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