This made me laugh

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have

You laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me therewas "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
Him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
On his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want themto reproduce,"I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"she inquired.(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"she informed me.(Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what wasgoing on. I shrugged,Deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what lookedlike a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the footwhen it next appeared,Giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see apattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vetwith my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peeredat the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron,may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. Yousee, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they comeinto maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent,absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... That ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its . . . Teeny little . . ."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He wasglad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," hetold me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing withlaughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

 

Norman and Barry got married
This is priceless.....


They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married Night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

 

Oh Dougie, that was truly priceless !!!!!!!!!!!!