This made me laugh

Nasa Scientists say its possible to live on Mars. Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm five stone heavier and diabetic

 

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That looks very appetising, although I don't like mushrooms. But I could certainly manage everything else!

Now if only that stupid woman would bugger off!!

 

When my girlfriend suggested we play Doctors and Nurses, I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.

 

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A policeman knocked on my door yesterday. "Where were you between 4 and 6?" He demanded. "Primary school!" I replied.

 

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

 

At least they didn’t waste the cake

 

Not fecking likely!

 

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