This made me laugh

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I held the door open for a beautiful blonde in the pub last night. My wife said, "You’ve never held the door open for me!" I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave!"

 

A pirate goes to the doctors... "Thar be strange moles on me back!" Doctor says, "They’re benign!" "Check again matey, I think thar be ten!"

 

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.

Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it’s upside down and throws it away.

He carries on doing this until Murphy asks “Why are you throwing them away”

“Because they’re upside down!” says Paddy.

“You daft twat” replies Murphy, “save ‘em for the ceiling”

 

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