This made me laugh

This is the third time I've caught my T-Bird stealing the peanuts that I feed to the squirrels around my house. It's been paying a mouse to bring them over and party. At least they have the decency to throw the beer bottles in the recycle bin.

 

A man, sick and tired with the “hustle and bustle” of life decides he wants some tranquility in life...After careful consideration he decides to become a Monk, so he finds a Monastery on the outskirts, speaks with the Abbot expliaining his predicament and search for peace. The Abbot agrees to let him join but says “Here, we take a vow of silence, you will speak only 2 words every 7 years!” The man agrees and the Abbot accepts him as a monk and tells him to go about his holy duty...The new monk goes straight to it, remaining silent, cutting the lawn, tending to the flowers, reading the bible etc...Eventually, 7 years have passed, the Abbot approaches the monk and says “You may now speak your first two words” and the monk says “Cold floors” the abbot tells him that they will buy slippers, and to continue with his vow of silence...Another 7 years of silence pass and the abbot approaches the asks the monk his next two words, and the monk replies “Bad food”, the abbot says “Ok, we will try to improve our kitchen, please observe your vow of silence again”, so the monk goes back to his duties...Finally, another 7 years pass, the monk had now been there for 21 years when the abbot asks his next two words to which the monk says “I quit!” And the Abbot says “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but fucking complain since you got here!”

 

The engine's making a hissing noise.

 

A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car. A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man, " Did you get a look at the driver?" "No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife." "How"s that ?"asked the policeman. And the man said, " I"d recognise her laugh anywhere."

 

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I filled my escort with diesel,


she died.

 

My grief councillor just died, luckily he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

 

The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape. They don't know it yet.

 

A young lady said I was a bit of a looker, the other day. Well, 'voyeur' was the actual word she used!