This made me laugh

A man went into Ann Summers and brought a 5" dildo for his wife. The cashier said "That will be £7.63 please". As he handed over a £50 note she said "Oh my have you got anything smaller", so he replied "Yes that's why I'm buying this dildo for my wife!"

 

I paid £25 for a 3 mile taxi ride to the launderette... I feel like I've been taken to the cleaners!

 

A man was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum... Doctors described his condition as stable!

 

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

 

We're so skint in our house, my wife sold one of her kidneys to pay for the kids new school uniform... If things get any worse, I'll have to cancel Sky Sports!

 

Just been watching the ladies beach volley ball and there has already been a bad wrist injury... I should be ok by the morning!

 

Frightens him when he sneezes

 

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Or about to be pissed on.

 

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one.

 

Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow. Told Mum that the girlfriend is retarded.

 

Think you are getting mixed up with BMW riders

 

If you're not in touch with your inner nerd, don't bother reading the following I'm logging off now so I don't have to take the abuse.

Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers (V) for a drink. The Bartender pours him five drinks.

A Bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The Bartender replies "For you? No charge."

When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up, I was like ...OMg

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

 

I miss the 'sad' emoticon to reply this with

 

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