This made me laugh

Why did the Mexican take Valium? For Hispanic attacks.

 

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

 

Bruce and Steve, two Aussie construction workers are sat at a table of the local watering hole, enjoying a beer after a long day on site, the door opens and in walks an attractive blond lady who sits at the bar and orders a drink, she then starts to snack on the complimentary peanuts but one gets stuck in her throat and she begins to choke, quick as a flash, Bruce jumps up, runs over and pulls down the top of her skirt, bends down and runs his tongue between the cheeks of her bum, this shock makes her cough and the peanut shoots out across the bar, after she composes herself she thanks Bruce who then returns to the table, his mate Steve says "jeez Bruce, that was bloody amazing, what was that you did to her" Bruce replies and says, " ah, it was nothing mate, it was what call the hind lick manouver"

 

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

 

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?

 

It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church. wife waiting at altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled and closed the f*cking lid.

 

I walked into the lounge to find my wife breast feeding our son. "How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?" "Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age." "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother." I replied.