This made me laugh

And me

 

Thought that was your uniform for work personally.
Those kids don’t know what they are missing

 

My wife is a sex object, everytime I ask for sex she objects

 

My wife goes to her doctor and asks "What's the easiest way to lose weight?"
He replies, "Try shaking your head side to side!"
My wife asks, "How often should I do this?"
The doctor replies, "Every time you're offered food !"

 

I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to find!"

 

A mate told me his wife was an angel. I told him "you're lucky, mine's still living.

 

I'm really starting to develop an attachment for my wife.
It fit's over the mouth.

 

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM WEST TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER, THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER ATE OATMEAL, SALTED WITH GUN POWDER RELIGIlOUSLY, UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED, SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 34 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE...

 

Is she away on holiday Ron?

 

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

 

I was working out in the gym last night, when I discovered a hole in my trainer, big enough to get 2 fingers in !







She's now made an official complaint and I'm banned for life

 

A bloke walks into a pet shop and asks if he can buy a canary. The proprietor replies “ I’m sorry, we’ve sold out. You wont find a canary in town. I do have a parakeet, though.” The Bloke insists he wants a canary, so the shop owner tells him that a parakeet can be made to sound just like a canary if you file the beak down. “But you have to be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water .” The bloke recons that this is complete bull, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary, but again he has no luck. “But” says the girl behind the counter, “I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak down carefully it can be made to sound just like a canary.” She, too, then goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardise the bird’s life, due to the potential of drowning. The Bloke decides that there might be something to it, and buys the parakeet. “Besides” he tells himself, “parakeets are much cheaper.” His next stop is a DIY shop, where he wanders into the tools section, holding his recently-purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks if he needs some help. The bloke sheepishly explains how he intends to make the bird sing like a canary. The store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. “Here, this is what you want - a 200mm half round file. But be carefull not to file too much off, or the poor thing will drown.” The bloke thanks the DIY store owner , pays and leaves for home.


A few weeks later, the bloke wanders into the DIY store again. The owner, recognising him, asks how it went with the parakeet. The bloke looks down and sadly reports, “Actually, the bird’s dead.” The store owner looks sympathetic and asks, “Did you file too much off the beak?” The bloke shakes his head and says, “Nope. He was dead when I took him out of the vice.”