This made me laugh

Pinched from another thread:

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai."Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said he Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do." The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish!* *Swish! the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. 'How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy... but circumcised?"

 

You've just pinched that off TEZ!

 

He must have ridden my Enfield!

 

JOKE BURGLAR!!!

 

I know !!!!!!!

 

And it wasn't that good the first time.

 

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

A new teacher decides to ask her class if they know words beginning with each letter of the alphabet.
Starting with "A" she points to Sarah - "Apple Miss" says Sarah, then Johnny - "Arse Miss" says Johnny.

Moving quickly on to "B" and after balloon and ball are called out, Johnny has his hand up again.
Yes Johnny, says teacher - "Bastard Miss" says Johnny.

Desperate to avoid Johnny's response to the letter "C", she ignores his attempts to attract her attention and moves on to "D", thinking to herself "there can't be a bad word starting with D".

So after dog and donkey she allows Johnny to speak. "Dwarf Miss" he says. "Well done Johnny" says teacher " and do you know what a dwarf is?"

"Yes, a f**king little c*nt!"

 

Some might see that what I did was helpful to Tez ?????????????

 

A piece of tarmac goes into a pub, orders a beer and sits down for a quiet pint.

A few minutes later a larger piece of tarmac walks in, orders a drink and sits down to enjoy it.
Meanwhile the bar tender notices that the first piece of tarmac has scurried into the corner, hidden behind a table, shaking.
The bar tender goes and asked him “What is wrong?" "He’s a piece of 'A' road" says the frightened piece of tarmac. "He’s well hard”.

The bar tender says "He’s ok. He comes here quite often. Never been a problem. I’ll introduce you”.
Sheepishly the piece of tarmac steps out from his hiding place, The bar tender introduces him to the larger piece and they sit down together to enjoy their drinks and a chat.

A few minutes later a really big piece of tarmac walks in. The first two pieces scurry off and hide. The bar tender goes and asks them what is wrong.
"He’s a piece of motorway" says the frightened piece of 'A' road. "He’s well hard”.
The bar tender says "He’s ok. He comes here quite often. Never been a problem. I’ll introduce you”.
Sheepishly the two friends step out from their hiding place, the bar tender introduces them to the largest piece and they all sit down together to enjoy their drinks and a chat.

A few minutes later a really small piece of tarmac walks in. The piece of motorway scurries off and hides.
The two other pieces look at each other confused.
They go and ask the piece of motorway what is wrong. "Didn’t you see that piece of tarmac” says the motorway.
“Yes” said the first two pieces

”But he’s only small.
Look at the size of you.
Why are you so frightened"?

"You don’t understand" says the motorway.







“He’s a cycle path”.