This made me laugh

Just had a fight.
Walked into B&Q, this guy wanders up and asks if I I wanted decking, didn't hang about and got the first punch in. Went down like a sack of shit, don't know why he wanted to fight, when he was such a fanny.

Just be careful next time your in.

 

Chapel hat pegs?
Kittens' noses?
You decide.

 

I thought she'd lost 2 american hard gums down her top

 

Wow did not see the water let alone the shark .
Tucker

 

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.


Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist
suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

 

Why are are there so many tranvestites in the North West???

They all like a Wigan address!