This made me laugh

Have just got back from hospital after having my knees x-rayed doctor said one of them has had it what do you lot think.
Tucker

 

She has her bra on her Head
Tucker

 

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: 'That's a tough life for me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty okay?'

'Okay' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."

 

My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be sooo fucked off when she finds out !

 

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some
of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher'.

All because I'm a 54 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal!

 

What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.

 

FROM YOU !!!!!

 

She is obviously a hooker and anyone knows they can "smell" money a mile "OFF"