This made me laugh

New Anti-theft device.

 

Hi everyone, just to keep you all updated, I've been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself (typical) What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb, I'm feeling ok but they said I should be out sometime in spring.

 

Double that - did exactly the same.

 

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status; 'just blown the head gasket on my 2003 Ford' rather than 'I've just fucked a 15 year old Escort'.

The police still fail to see the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife has gone to her mother's.

 

My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What fucking planet is she on?