This made me laugh

thats a bad altitude to take

 

Maybe he's just looking dawn on people.

 

its imperial to me

 

This is why whenever my wife asks my opinion on something I ask, "Do you want me to be nice or do you want me to be honest?"

 

As one of my sisters put it to me, "Are you looking for affirmation or information?"

 

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved this ladies precious little dog. Upon getting back on the pier, he checked her puppy out and told her, "Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine."
Due to his selfless heroic act, she asked, "Are you a vet?"
He replied, "Vet? I'm fuken soaked!"

 

Ain't touching that