This made me laugh

A major incident has been declared in Portsmouth - according to the local news.

The M275 has been closed near to the Ferry terminal as a suspicious package has been seen by a local resident.
They have advised all living in the nearby estate to stay indoors.

It looks like after trying to identify the package the police have decided to send in a robot to investigate.

After two hours all panic has set in because it has been identified as a wage packet.

A local from the nearby layabout ‘working mens’ club confirmed he has NEVER seen a wage packet before in the 49 years he has been in the area.

The local Labour MP has tried to calm the local resident by confirming that if they get elected he has been assured by Starmer that there will NOT be an influx and the status quo will not be changed.
He stated that they believe an outsider - probably a Tory supporter on his way to the ferry terminal dropped the wage packet to cause panic amongst the local population

 

Don’t know why she still hasn’t opened her present

 

You sit upon the toilet
With everything prepared
You're feeling quite excited but
A little bloody scared!
That huge amount of Christmas nosh
Has turned into a log
And now the fateful time has come
To flush it down the bog!
But first you must expel the beast
And so you start to strain,
You bite down on a piece of wood
To take away the pain
But oh my god, its bloody huge
It's like you're giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake
and strain for all your worth.
And then that magic moment comes,
That fills your soul with cheer,
A turd the size of King Kongs arm
Emerges from your rear.
And like a bomb it hits the pan
Thus lightening your mood,
And making room inside your guts
For lots more Christmas food!

 

Before crowbars were invented crows drank at home.

 

A pensioner is sitting on a bench minding his own when a skater/punk with a rainbow mohawk comes by and asks the pensioner what he is staring at.
He replies that one night about 20 years ago I got really *ucked up and *ucked a rooster. I was just wondering if you might be my son.

 

Just a few thoughts to start 2024.......

If something is neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

You go out in your car and drive on the parkway, then come home and park on the driveway. Hmmm......

The things that come to those who wait are probably the things left behind by those who got there first.

True, women can fake an orgasm but men can fake a whole relationship.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.