This made me laugh

Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer - and a mop.

Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed into the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ship's wheel?" The pirate answers, "Arrgh, it's drivin" me nuts."

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'd like a H2O. The second one says "I'll have an H2O too." Drinks it and dies.

Man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, "What's that all about?" The duck says, "I don't know. I woke up this morning and it was stuck to me feet."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender puts it down a tiny man jumps out of the guy's pocket and kicks the drink over. "What the hell?" the bartender exclaims. The guy says, "You see it's like this. I found a lamp and while rubbing it to clean it off a genie appeared and said I could have one wish. I wished for a nine-inch prick."

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich following him. He sits down and orders an old fashioned. The ostrich says she'll have an old fashioned too. The bartender asks, "Where did you find a talking ostrich?" The guy says, "You see it's like this. I found a lamp and while rubbing it to clean it off a genie appeared and said I could have one wish. I wished for a leggy chick that always agreed with me."

A guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are a$$holes.” A man at the end of the bar yells back. ”I object to that remark!” The guy asks him, “Are you a lawyer?” The man answers, “No, I’m an a$$hole.”

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

The bartender says: “We don’t serve time travelers in here”. A time traveler walks into the bar.

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react.

A crab walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve seafood here."

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here." The rope goes outside, stops a fellow and asks him to tie him in a half-hitch and rub him on the sidewalk. The man complies and the rope goes back into the bar. The bartender asks, "Aren't you the rope I just threw out of here?" The rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I had a bit too much to drink last night, so I took a cab home. Now the wife wants to know why there's a cab parked on our front lawn.

Ok. I'll stop now.

 

Papa Guiseppi sits at the family dining table with his three sons and turns to the eldest, Roberto, "you are my first son but why are you so fat?" Without hesitation, Roberto replies "but Papa I really enjoy eating Mama's lasagne. Smaller bites ,Roberto, smaller bites.

Papa then turns to his middle son Dino and says "Dino, you are my second son but you too are so fat, why? " to which Dino replies "but Papa I enjoy eating Mama's Ravioli." Again Papa says, "smaller bites, Dino, smaller bites.

Papa finally turns to his third son, Mario and says "Mario you are so different as you are so very skinny, why?" Mario waits a minute and then replies "Papa, I really enjoy eating pussy" "Pussy" replies Guiseppi "but it tastes like shit"
Smaller bites, Papa, smaller bites" says Mario.

 

Well that’s Christmas sorted for the missus!

 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!!

 

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.