This made me laugh

Jedi mind trick

 

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

I named my pet termite, Clint! Clint eats wood…

Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket. Doctor: How long have you felt like this? Me: Since I was Lidl.

Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Bob ate Jane's sandwich. Bob ate Jane's colon.

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

My Gran has spent her life telling me ‘There’s no place like home’, yet when I tried to put her in one…

Just watched Celebrity Mastermind on the BBC . I recognized more people sitting in the audience..

 

She told him to cock the gun and shoot the cock (rooster), but he couldn't cock his head far enough to the side to see it.

I told him to go pound a pound of sand up his arse.

The jury decided to convict the convict with the new offense

Just because you are in charge don't think you can charge me for that small charge of electricity or my young charge and I will charge at you and end up with an assault charge.

I'm going to fire you for starting the fire.

She shed a tear at the sight of her new shed.

Lie next to me but don't lie to me.

 

I saw this headline on the AOL opening page today. It would explain a few things about my wife and a lot about my children's behavior, as well.