This made me laugh

A blond with the most beautiful blue eyes told me this one.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nine eleven.
Nine eleven who?
You said you'd never forget!

 

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to go there.

 

Hopefully this will translate.
What is the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean?
I've never paid a Garbanzo to bean on me.

 

Took 3 (slow reads) ... ping ! , haha

 

A woman was very concerned that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did a s she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my god, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look edzachary like your ass.'..... ed zachary

 

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Middlesbrough in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in South Bank . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Foooockinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
TFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Middlesbrough . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ramsdens and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Adidas baseball caps
Mckenzie tracksuits (his and hers)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Timberland boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Parmos
Kebabs
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Boro" said the girl, "woss tha gorra do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Boro - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

 

[