This made me laugh

My mate David has lost his ID...i just call him Dav now

 

Dave Allen, The Detectives (Jasper & Robert), Only fools and Horses, Early Billy Connolly, Marty Feldman, Les Dawson, Till Death us do Part, all made me laugh. I don't find any "comedy" on TV these days actually funny or watchable.
The worst being Mrs Browns Boys. I can't find words to describe how bad this is. To say it's absolute shite is giving it far too much credit in my opinion.

 

1947 and 1962/3 ?
thought the bernie bro's was ok - though did answer before getting to the bottom of your post

 

I was in my local Asda this evening when a guy walked in, placed a holdall near the tills then legged it out the door, well the place went into total lockdown, people running out etc, I didn't give a shit and walked over and opened the bag, found a sandwich in there with two wires sticking out, a guy on the checkout asked me if it was tickin, I said no, think it's turkey

 

Ive met all these people

 

Cliff Richard goes to a Triumph Forum GMU to host a sing-a-long but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognise him. Puzzled, he takes an old guy aside and says, ‘Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?’ ‘Sorry mate,’ says the old guy. ‘But you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you.'

 

According to some, the phrase “pair of pants” harkens back to the days when what constituted pants—or pantaloons, as they were originally known—consisted of two separate items, one for each leg. They were put on one at a time and then secured around the waist. Calling them a pair of pantaloons, or pants, as they were eventually known, made sense when there were two components. The phrasing was retained even after pants were made into one complete garment. However, there doesn’t seem to be much evidence in reference sources to support this theory...maybe should have put this in the "Good to know" thread

 

Oh yeah, a right smarty pants aren't you ?

 

Your Motorcycles Haynes Manual Translated....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Ping... what the hell was that?

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones on it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!!

Haynes: ...if not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.