This made me laugh

CAN ROB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.

I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 6S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

 

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wit' 500 quid

 

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man..

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket and sat down.

Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing pecker.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be.

 

What do you call an alligator that keeps playing with itself?
A MASTURGATOR

 

Its funny cos I live in Scotland.