This made me laugh

I read this morning that 58 is too old to still be living with your parents.
It was on a note, pinned to my bedroom door!

 

Reminds me of an art installation in Italy (Montepulciano iirc) which was a well, which you’d go and peer into... but in the bright Tuscan sun, it was hard to see into the dark depths... you’d put your shades atop of your noggin and peer into the gloom for a better look, but in the bottom of it were hundreds of sunglasses... making you immediately check your glasses were secure.

 

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[dejavu][pedant]Register[/pedant][/dejavu]

 

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle
I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"

"Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Burns Unit."

 

Sorry about that. At page 1625, I struggle to keep track.

 

Talking about Robert Burns, my last post was a joke, but this is a true story. Some years ago, I was having a quiet lunchtime pint with a mate in the Globe Inn in Dumfries. Situated up a narrow close off the High Street, the Globe was a favourite haunt of Burns in his last years when he lived in the town. Anyway, while we were there, a coachload of loud American tourists arrived. After a few minutes, one called to his friend a few feet away: "Say, Ted, do you know any of Burns' poems?", and his friend replied: "No, just the one that goes 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe..."
We nearly choked on our pints.

 

I see on another thread tributes to Meatloaf, who passed today. We also lost Louie Anderson, a great comic. I remember one of his bits about his father driving because it was so true. My father did the exact same thing!

Anyone going slower than my father - "Look at this idiot."
Anyone going faster than my father - "Look at this asshole."

 

Nor should you feel the need to at this point.

 

Stole this from the comments in the Mail.

1) "I've seen no evidence of blackmail." 2) "There might have been SOME blackmail, but I knew nothing about it and whatever blackmail took place was technically within the rules." 3) "I authorised the use of bullying and intimidation that was technically within the rules". 4) "I both authorised and used blackmail that was not within the rules, but didn't know it was not within rules." 4) I apologise to the Nation, to the Queen (who I also tried to blackmail), to my known and unknown children, but I kindly ask that you refrain from further questions until a full internal inquiry has taken place to see whether I technically broke any rules or not.