This made me laugh

Australian immigration officer: "Do you have a criminal record?"
Would-be immigrant: "No, I'm sorry, I didn't know you still needed one."

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

 

A man walks in to the doctors office and says: "Doctor, my ass hurts".
"Alright, tell me where" says the doctor.
"Right around the entrance"
"Sir, I think as long as you keep calling it the entrance it's going to hurt"

 

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And for those calling BS, he did in fact say it….

 

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You don't want to do this. You just think you do.

 

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That’s a reasonable portion for her, I’ll have the rest. I’m not picky how it looks

 

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And at 146 ft lbs your knackers finish up near your knees. Don't ask me how I know this....

 

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