This made me laugh

My mate has started a business making trousers for stilt walkers.

Early days, but he says he's already making giant strides.....

 

I slagged off my Chiropractor yesterday for being useless, but it seems I got it wrong.

I stand corrected.

 

A pig goes into a job centre and asks what work have you got? The bloke behind the desk is stunned…. a talking pig!! So he calls the local circus and tells them. The circus owner says send him down immediately, he’d be the star act. So he tells the pig how to get to the circus.

“Circus did you say?” The pig says.

”Yes, that’s right”

“Big stripey tent thing, with acrobats and clowns and elephants, that sort of thing?”

”Yes!!”

”What good is that to me? I’m a frigging plasterer!”

 

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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

The only cow in a small village in Harris stopped giving milk.
Then the village folk found they could buy a cow in Lewis quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Lewis.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply ever again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset, and decided to go to see an old man in Tarbert, who was considered very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.

As they explained "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The old man rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lewis ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Lewis.
"You are truly a wise man" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Lewis ?"

The old man replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife comes from Lewis "

 

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For those on distant shores, ‘Eye’ is ‘Private Eye’, a satirical current affairs magazine that’s been going for over 60 years.

 

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Ed Shearing...