This made me laugh

Thankfully I haven’t had to endure any of these

 

Doctor: you have diabetes.
Patient: it runs in the family.
Doctor: nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

 

The wife asked me what would stop our stairs from creaking… apparently “Slimming World” was the wrong answer!

 

My teacher told me l'd be no
good at poetry due to my
dyslexia, but so far I've made
three jugs and a vase so fuck you Mr McPherson.

 

As the intruder entered the darkened room, I aimed the red dot right between his eyes.....
The cat took over at that point.

 

You know you want to say it…

 

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I recently had an accident at work that involved losing some of the fingers on my right hand
After surgery I was referred to a physiotherapist to help with rehabilitating my damaged hand
During one of the sessions I asked if I would still be able to write with it
To which he replied "maybe, but I wouldn't count on it"

 

I was getting some car insurance quotes today for my upcoming renewal. This made me laugh out loud....

 

Not a bad quote for your Bugatti Veyron.

Does it include legal cover and EU breakdown?

 

Nope! And I wish it was a Veyron. It was for a Seat Ibiza that's all! I'm glad I was not taking a sip from my tea as it would have ended up all over my monitors, desk, floor, wall, dog..

 

Well if you think that's bad, my son intended to change his 1299s for a Superleggera, the cheapest quote he got was an eye watering £8500 compared to the £250 fully comp for his 1299s

 

I guess he didn't change it then!