This made me laugh

What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

 

???
Sorry Mr O. can't decipher that one.
She wanted a dirty weekend maybe ?

 

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm."

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"
"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with
the transplant."

"Go for it Doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."

"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking,
and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

 

Watching a Ken Block video with good headphones when he's in that monster of a four-wheel-drive Mustang is amazing. Sounds so dirty.

 

Your guess is as good as mine there DD.

Some of Ken B's gymkhana videos are epic. There is a behind the scenes one too where they show how long it takes to set up some of the set pieces, only to see it run over (as expected) by a car, going sideways, with a lot of smoke and noise!

 

i think we've had this guy on here before when he was wanting to buy a sports car..now he wants a school uniform

 

"One patient... is believed to have minor injuries," an East of England Ambulance Service spokeswoman said.

Well I wonder which of the one casualty that was??

The ambulance service was unable to confirm whether the injured person was male or female.

Oh god!! Did they skip that biology class then??

 

This IS Southend, lucky if any one went to school at all, let alone for perticular subjects!

 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

 

Just found the wife's g-spot. Who'd have thought her sister had it all this time?

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

 

Went for a check up for testicular cancer last week.

A little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"

I said "I haven't got an erection"

She said "no, but I have"