This made me laugh

there are some bumb bastards in the species,as a sparky I liked the transformer on fire and the muppet with the bucket

 

is this for real Dougie? Looks like a form of "street porn" no shame!

 

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."
I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.

 

Light bulbs, ruddy eck wiv only just got gas rahnd ear.

 

You can't be 'in the sticks'. We don't have a bleedin' petrol station......but the garage has a jumbo aitline.

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat''s dem!" The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The assistant complies and the two customers duly pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry''s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.

"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ''SPLAT''. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, 'Dat looks too dangerous for me!"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop. He walks up, carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a shotgun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry''s remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An'' oim never troyin'' dat nider!"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ''peeper bag''. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the inevitable result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Oim dun wid dees adventure sports. First der was Gerry wid da budgie jumping, den Seamus wid his parrot shooting and now Sean, hen glidin'! Oi'll stick tae tiddly winks."

 

I'm lost for words ! I really am.

 

German engineer: "The glass is too large..."

 

Accountant: should have bought a smaller glass as it would have been cheaper.

 

Scotsman "we have all this water"

 

TREEDOGS!
NO...
TWODOGS!

I am confused

 

Didnt know where to put this so here it is.( it puts a smile on my face)
In the last 18 months Ive found this lot at the side of the road, must be 60 pounds worth.The pliers and the snips are Teng

 

Lets hope they haven't been used in a bank robbery Sprinter.

 

Found the 12 inch shifter today right across the road from where I found the 10 inch,3 months ago. I do think theres a chance its the same guy.