This made me laugh

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times that I suffered from a condition with my sight -
Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

 

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes

 

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier.

Going to the loo could spell trouble.

 

YES ?

 

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

 

Found a really good website to buy native plants from Australia - the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com

Go ahead, click the link !!!!

 

Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job."I've never done that."she says."What do I do?"Well remember when you were a kid & you'd shake a coke bottle & spray your brother with it- that's what you do."She nods. So he pulls it out & she grabs hold of it & starts shaking it. A minute later he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose & wax flying from his ears .She says whats wrong. He cries,"Take yer furkin thumb off the end !"

 

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.
But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

 

https://www.gumtree.com/p/accessories-styling/motorbike-helmet/1245654999

 

Begs believe
Wessa

 

Begs belief that someone would buy it.