This made me laugh

I was in a Hotel last week and I ordered a 'wake up call'
In the morning the phone rang and this woman's voice shouted "Hey! What the fuck are you doing with your life?"

NEWSFLASH. Police found a stash of machine guns and hard drugs behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
A spokesman for the city said the people of Liverpool are in shock as they had no idea they had a Job Centre.

 

Are you goin' for your 6000 by the end of the day, Wayne ?

 

5028 actually, come on get it right

 

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug
14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.The 50-50-90 Law Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!
18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends,
your belly button will unscrew - and your
butt will fall off. Really... It's true. I read it
on the Internet.

 

I'm not normally suspicious, but my wife said that Steve from Autoglass came round today and injected her crack with his special resin. She doesn't even have a fucking car.

Scotsman wakes up in the morning, goes downstairs to find his wife cooking a fry up.
Brilliant he says, just what I need, he looks in the pan and sees one of his old socks.
'What the fuck are you doin?' he asks his wife.
Wife replies 'I'm doing exactly what you asked me to when you came in steaming at 3 o'clock this morning.'
Funny thinks the man as he walks away, can't remember asking her to `Cook ma sock`

 

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote?" I voted to leave, " he replied.
With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman, "Which way did you vote? " I asked. " "I voted to leave, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man, Which way did you vote?" I asked. "I voted to remain, " he said. With that my dog bit him.
My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

 

Some of you may remember the Shepherd Neame brewery advertising campaign for Spitfire beer from a few years ago.
(yes, I know I nicked the "first left..." joke and used it in the Banter GMU 2017 Kielder thread)

 

The inventor of the Throat Lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.


Sorry about the above, I know it's old and has probably been on here before but I couldn't resist.