This made me laugh

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Havit, Sep 23, 2015.

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  1. andypandy

    andypandy Crème de la Crème

    Jan 10, 2016
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    I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today,
    but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU."
    So I held onto it , just in case he was right.
     
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  2. desertspeedy

    desertspeedy Senior Member

    Jul 28, 2016
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    N. Phoenix, AZ, USA
    How do you bury a politician?

    Give him an enema and put him in a shoebox.
     
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  3. MickEng

    MickEng Noble Member

    Sep 29, 2016
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    Hey DS, you'll have Admin after you for not using the Politics thread. lol
     
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  4. desertspeedy

    desertspeedy Senior Member

    Jul 28, 2016
    436
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    N. Phoenix, AZ, USA
    ^ shhhh Mick, don't tell him, lol.....
     
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  5. MickEng

    MickEng Noble Member

    Sep 29, 2016
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    There would! A big pile of festering shite!
     
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  6. TEZ 217

    TEZ 217 Crème de la Crème

    Mar 6, 2016
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    FOOD SHORTAGE

    Last month a world-wide Telephone Survey was conducted by the UN.
    The only question asked was:-
    "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
    (The survey was a massive failure because of the following:)

    1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
    8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
     
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  7. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    FB_IMG_1493027542031.jpg
     
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  8. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    FB_IMG_1493027575161.jpg
     
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  9. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    #2269 Havit, Apr 24, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
    Has Anyone seen the new pound coins?
    FB_IMG_1493027523236.jpg
    Apparently the Shape was changed so that a spanner can be used to remove the coin from a Scotsman s palm:D
     
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  10. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    FB_IMG_1493027456773.jpg
     
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  11. Winglad

    Winglad Crème de la Crème

    Dec 21, 2016
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    @Mrs. President
    My parents have such a dress in their kitchen... They call it curtain :confused:
    But taste knows no bounds...
    :D
     
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  12. Dougie D

    Dougie D Crème de la Crème

    Jan 30, 2016
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    Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport.

    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
    Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

    You wanna try it?'
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
    The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

    In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

    Nothing!

    Then the phone rings. It's Jim . Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.We ought to do this more often..'

    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '

     
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  13. Dougie D

    Dougie D Crème de la Crème

    Jan 30, 2016
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    A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
    He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
    The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
    All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
    embarrassed and moved to another table.

    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
    said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking;
    I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
    "The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT
    PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
    The man whispered to her: "I study law and I know how to screw people"
    .
     
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  14. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    FB_IMG_1493027413116.jpg
     
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  15. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    My mate just rang me in tears.
    His wife has left him, taken his Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish.
    Poor sod. No woman, no sky!
     
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  16. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    FB_IMG_1493110016843.jpg
     
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  17. GaryM

    GaryM It's him, you know who. Him from you know ....

    Apr 28, 2016
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    You should be shot for that one!
     
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  18. Dougie D

    Dougie D Crème de la Crème

    Jan 30, 2016
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    I think he shot the sheriff
     
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  19. MickEng

    MickEng Noble Member

    Sep 29, 2016
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    Funny enough though, he didn't shoot the deputy.
     
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  20. OnlySon

    OnlySon Well-Known Member

    Aug 23, 2016
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    #2280 OnlySon, Apr 25, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2017
    What did George Michael and a pair of Wellington boots have in common?
    They both got sucked off in bogs.

    Got pulled up by the police last night and ordered to get off my bike.
    "You're staggering." Said the officer.
    "You're not fucking bad looking yourself." I replied.
     
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