This made me laugh

On the subject of 'origin of historic facts' I made the mistake once of asking why a Scottish Dirk used to originally be called a 'Bollock Knife'. A fellow from the Kelvingrove museum told me that the knife was a tool on the battlefield where it was carried by a member of a team whose job was to deal with un-horsed knights. Apparently, once the tin-can bedecked knight was on the ground the easiest way to finish him off was for two men to grab his legs and pull 'em apart while the third with, you guessed it, a Ballock Knife and a hammer would place said knife in the fellows 'weakspot' and hammer it home. Ain't history marvellous

 

One for @Duckadiledundee

 

Think about the implications of riding a motorcycle!

 

Have a bit of imagination mate.

 

She always won the sports day three legged race

 

how many actual legs do you have in your 3 legged races? Or are you a bit heavy handed on the machete?

 

That's probably about it, mate. One or two... By his own account he did not engage in sexual activity for 16 years...

 

A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent:

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. And back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. “Son.” He said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked. “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother?”

 

Does she want it sir? Your fiancé, is she pale skinned and doe eyed? Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, cornered by the hounds... oh sir? Does she make this noise sir? Aah aah? Does she look at you over her shoulder like this sir, ooh sir, ooh sir?

 

If you see me walking down the street and I start to cry.

 

......... and that's why you should always wear a full face helmet!

 

. . . or a super model.

 

Little old joke here....

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

Mick sings "Hey you get off of my cloud!" while the sheep farmer shouts "Hey MacLeod get off of my Ewe!"

 

Right on, Dawsy!

 

Brilliant! - Should be an enforceable contract for all immigrants.